ptat's Blog

It's a New Year..

It's a new year. Had high hopes of new changes. Changes must be gradual. The year started out with a depressing mood.  Got to get out of my present sphere of comfort to move on. Seeing my soon to be ex-wife enjoying herself is not good for myself. It will make myself depress further. I'm trying to keep a positive atitudes on life. I can tell others to be positive and move on yet I can't practice myself. I know what I needed to do. Just wondering why what's holding me back? I used to have a good friend that encourage me. Rather than go into details. We got romantically involved. Our special friendship ended two days before the New Year over silly issue. Tried to communicate with her but no reply. Maybe is faith that ended the relationship. It was faith that brought us together 6 months ago. She left me for a reason. FAITH.. I strongly believe in it. Therefore, I will let faith lead me to the answer of why...

Reflecting back past years, I realize what my flaws are. This is a new year. A new beginning. Let learn from my past and better my tomorrow. I know I can do it!! Peter, let re-trench a new beginning. Believe in myself. Only I can make it happen. M and W can't help you. They have their own objectives. Yes, they did cared about you. They had moved on. Lets not look back. Instead look forward. First, I should thanks both of them for their loves. The rest will come. Faith will present itself a new chapter for you to experience. Let it come, no rush. Can I practice what I preach here? Will try!! It's a New Year. Let make this happen!!! Practice what I preach. Learn from my past mistakes and live life to the best of my abilities.. 2013.. Will it be a new beginning? Will check back...

Not Afraid

Today is Thanksgiving 2012. Am not afraid of speaking out anymore. Am not afraid to not being loved by my wife. Is this freedom? I have so much I want to write. My feelings, my fears, my wants, my hates are all wanting to yell out "Let me Out!!" Well, it's ok guys, I know how you feel. It will be ok. We will find peace and everything will be fine. Just be patience. Enjoy life as it present to you. Don't worry, it will be fine. 

My so call affair..

Well, it was fun for he past 4 weeks. A close friend of my and I got involved. We supported each other, dated each other, had several day trip together, explored life together. To me, it was the most fun I had for the past ten years of my life. Too bad it have to end because I'm still attached to my marriage. I can't leave my marriage behind. Always talk about it, worry about my son, try to cope with the lies of being married. I thought I can move on, I guess I'm still attached.. Dam!!! I feel horrible about this failure... I failed once more...

I have come to the end

REally don't know what to write anymore. Seem like it's broken record. I wanted to leave, I'm leaving, I'm standing on the fence etc... Today, she had made a comment that really broke my heart. What ever left of it. Finally realized in her eyes, I'm just a fixture, A utility person, A person receiving command to. She see no hopes in me helping her or to be in her future. Before, I would have be in tears, drowning in sorrows and be completely lost. At this moment, I am sting by it, but not completely blown away by it. I guess with all the resenments I have for her, it has finally come to the end of the forrest. The darkness had finally given way to sunshine. I have finally felt the coldness of a loveless relationship. IT doesn't matter what she say to me now. I no longer with die for her. She is not worth mine unconditional devotions and loves. She is just a body I can feel and fuck at night. I may play along with her charade to be a husband to her family. I'm no longer willing to be her confident and goto man of her life. SHe already have one already. I will let him take care of her. I will not feel pity for her pain and sorrows. She had install plenty into me. I will not let her love me anymore. I must stop this false love. It's not love she is providing me, It's poison.

I'm glad I have a friend that is there for me. A female friend that share time with. Maybe this is the reason why I am so brave. I have someone to be there to talk to. I know this person will not be my lover or my future spouse. It's a companion that we can share life with.  I am using her to rid my thoughts of my wife. Is it an affair? I don't know. She is just a friend I can talk to. I talk to her in the morning, chat with her in the afternoon and txt with her before we go to bed. I really don't know what I can consider her to be. All I know is she is helping through this drama I am in. Hmmm, I would love to type more but I really don't have the mindset to do so. My soon to be ex really disappointed me. I loved her so much!!! From day one till 6 hours ago, I still love and willing to let the past be in the past. What she said to me really destroyed my love toward her... The words she used is "You are not at risk with me".  I gave my adulthood to her. Gave her everything that I can. And this is the end result. I'm so devasted by those words... :(

I am slowly letting go...

My bday is coming up. A milestone in my case and no one will be celebrating it with me. Maybe my son will? My daughter wouldn't because I told her I don't wanted to with her. My wife, scheduled a business meeting. My family? don't even know it's my bday. Her family? LOL!!! Maybe It's my actions to choose to be alone. Maybe I wanted sympathy from them to be special. I just felt like no one care.  I really felt like my life works had just disappeared and I an virgin in life again. At 48, can I be reborn? I really wanted a new life. To be rid of all these pains I am with. All these pains are from my marriage. Should I just let go? Should I give myself a bold and courageous present by giving my wife the signed divorce paper? I am so afraid of not being loved. My wife don't love me anymore. This morning, I read several stories on EP describing how the man trying to please his wife and received no appreciations. The comments the stories received spelled out what I have been going through. No matter how hard I try, if the other party not care, my actions are futile. So true, no matter how hard I try to please, the non-responsive action from her is devastating. Maybe it's time to not try anymore. Just be myself and try to make myself happy. My wife had changed or maybe grown up. I just didn't grown along beside her. I really care and love my wife. The pains she instilled onto me are bearable but it's getting heavier and heavier. How much can I take before I snapped?  Can I really be reborn? Where are my determinations to succeed? What happen to my aggression and ambitions? Will I ever pull out of this spiral? Can I? 


Final Divorce declaration?

Yesterday, was the weirdess day of my life. Pressure about our marriage and her affair where building up. I wasn't happy about her actions and she wasn't happy about her boyfriends actions. What a fuck up relationship right! I'm living in a relationship where it's all one way. I love her and she don't love me! Our marriage is a safe haven for her to come home to and for me have sex with, that is it. There are no real love other than legacy love. Her heart doesn't pound for me but for other. Yes, she is not in love with me. Why am I so weak of a man and not just walk away? What am I afraid of? She said so herself. I'm not a man!!! A man will have success and not failures. It not just talks but actions. She is right!! But I'm working on those weak points. Guess she can't wait because she know there are instant success out there. She don't want to wait for me to improve. Is this an action of a wife that love you? NO!!! SHe had given up on me!!! SHe had cut her lost and wanted start a new life. Do I have the right to ask her to wait? Do I really love her if I ask her to be unhappy  with me until I improve? All I wanted is for her to be happy being with me. Is this too much to ask for? Am I truely in love with her or am I just too scare to leave her?
I tried to overlook the whole situation and pretend I see nothing. I literally suppressing my anger, hate, sorrow, unhappiness within me so I can be with her. I know one day, I will blow up and all hell break loose and armagedeon will come. Well, yesterday was the day. We was talking about business and somehow turned into "You are invading my space, you will never change, I'm stale, I'm not fun" etc... I somehow react to it by saying I'm sorry and it will get better as I recover. I didn't explode out with anger. I just said "Really?" Than she talked about I'm not a man. I'm still a child not being able to accomplish anything. That whole conversation is about how she see of me. At the end , I told her if you are so unhappy with me, why are you still here? Just divorce me and you can do what ever you want without guilt. I also said you are using our marriage as an escape incase your affairs ventures failed. You know I love you and will always be there for you. I clearly stated "I don't want a divorce because I'm still in love with you" If you wanted to leave, you have to be the bad guy and call it off. She didn't say anything and left our office. Before she left, she said "If you wanted a drink and talk it over, better come home soon" What a fuckup question is this? We are about to get a divorce and she wanted a drink?  We had a quick dinner and I thought we are going to talk over drinks. Instead, we went shopping for her to be happy. LOL!!! Is this how Divorce declaration started? Am I getting a divorce? 

Dying flame

Every week, my love for my wife diminish. I really thought I can handle the pains she is instilling onto me. How much anger can I swallow? How pains can I absorb? I'm beginning to despise her for what she is doing to me. I no longer dream of happy thoughts. All I dream about is being alone. My self esteem is so low, I can see myself better than what I'm trapped in! Am I in a self imprison miserable world? I wanted to be happy! Just like her! Not worrying about anything. The family, the business, the house, just let it all go! Just like her!, no responsibilities! lLol! I'm not her. I'm a loving responsible man loving the wrong person. A person I treasure for more than 25yrs. The mother of my children's. The love on my life. How can one just forget about the life we shared? I'm ready to give up. Today, she come home from her weekend get away. I don't have that urgent feelings of saying hi to her. I dreaded seeing her because I will show my angers instead of loves toward her. I'm beginning to fall out of love toward her. I'm beginning to hate instead of love. I'm changing! I hate this changes! It's not me! It's not my nature to hate! What will I be turning into? A bitter old man? A miserable bitter old lonely man? Will I change to the better or the worst? My destinies are of my own workings. Will icehouse the right move? God, if there is such a entity, will I make the right decision?

Repeating repeating repeating...

Here I go again. Saying I don't care we are getting a divorce. I really don't care. But the unknown makes me weak..I really don't know what to do now. She clearly don't care about my feelings toward her. And I began to care less of how she feel. What is love? Do I love her? or do I just wanted her to beby my side?

Well, my business is starting very slow. My venture back into investment are also getting into the reds. So far, I have lost $1500. I was so sure I can make $250 a day. Looks like I was dreaming again.  Maybe I should stop dreaming. My confidents are low at the moment. I have no love. My kids are into their own things. I really have nothing to look forward to. Trying the online dating thing and it's not working. I really am afraid of living alone and growing old by my self. Guess this question is what preventing me from moving forward. At least at this moment, I have a body I can sleep with every night. Eventually, I think it will be gone too. Am I getting depress? Yes. Am I feeling lonely, yes. Will I survive this? YES!!!

My courage arebuiding up

Funny how things evolve. Theonset on my marriage failures, I thought I can't live with my wife. I tried suicide. I tried running away. I cried my heart out. I plead and beg for a restart. Looking back, I was pathetic.In a way, I'm still yet I felt I had evolved further up the recovery ladder. I'm still with my wife. I care for her and beginning to falling out of love for her. Before, i think she is beautiful and loving. Now I see her ruthless and ugly. Her mistreatment of our staffs and myself indicated the once loving and innocent wife I had are no longer here. I really don't know who she is at this moment. All she care about is survivful through other means. He reliance on me are no longer the main trunk but an off branch. Is it better this way? I don't know. At this moment, all I wanted is someone to love and care about. To channel my energy to. Why can't I channel that energy toward myself? In a way, I'm a boring person. No night life. Just stay at home and work on my computer. Talk with my son. A very basic boring life. I can;t blame her going out and party and socialize. Wanting to be out there and have fun!!! I wanted too!! But I have responsibilities!!! Which she left for me to handle. Will she ever realize her errors? Is it an error? or Am I the error? Day by day.. Let see what tomorrow will bring...


I wanted to move on. But I'm afraid.

Tax season is over. Office is closed for the day. Yet, here I am. In the office, working. She just called. Telling me to have a nice day. See you tomorrow. Going out on her own while still married to me on paper. My wife of 20+ yrs, going out to have a fun time and relax with someone else she cared for more than me. What is going on inside my head? Why am I staying? I'm no longer needed!   I'm still not strong enough to leave her web. I feel like I am responsible for all my unhappiness. I am responsible for my own happiness! Why am I so sad by this? Is it because of the physical needs? Maybe. Is it because of the emotional needs? Maybe. All I know are, I am by myself within this so call marriage. What am I going to do about it? Pout? Destructive? Suck it up? Where are my pride and manhood? Where are my ethics? I feel so lost. I wanted to shut her off. Take her out of my life equation. I wanted to do so much yet I don't know how. Baby steps? Giant leaps? So much unknowns, so much fears. I'm scare to be alone. I'm scare to have no one to love and take care of me. Is this my price to pay to be so-call loved?

Am I slowly evolving?

Tax season is almost over. I have been working 7 days a week, 12 hours a day to rebuild my character. No more lazy wait and see. Now I'm up and ready to tackle the world. I'm beganing to enjoy the life my wife had push me into. Although it can be lonely sometime, I beginning to enjoy the freedom that come along with it. I still long for a companion where I can confide, chat and laugh with. At this moment, I've got no one. II'm still with my wife, married but loveless. We are still having sex. Is it based on love? maybe. I'm sure it's based on needs more than love. But I will take it. At least it's safer than going out and pay for sex. Anyway, sex have gotten to a point of not being necessary. My god, I have changed. Sex is secondary? LOL!!!!! I think what's important to me now is just being happy. Had a dinner with a friend last night and I enjoyed her company. I no longer worried about got to be home certain time or is my actions ok? I feel different. More independent. Less lonely. I still have a long way to go. I know I will make it back. One day at a time...I will get through this... Well, got to get ready for works. 7 more days and it's over... Yippie!!!

Feeling Empty

It started out good today. My wife shared a lot of feelings with me about her affairs. How he was still cheating on her, using her for financial gains etc.. I was happy that she is communicating with me and there are possibilites of reconcillations. Hopes where high. On top of it, another business opportunity arraised to maybe better my / our future as long as I do my best. 

The down side of this blog. She may have some medical issues and was called in by the OBGYN to ck it out. I offer to be there for her. She said she can take care of it herself. As it turns out, her friend was going with her. Well, that blew my dream off the face of the earth. It tell me I'm not important enough, he is. Yes she had moved on and I've been dreaming again. I'm just a friend to her. He is her man. 

Can this be the last blow for me to take? How much more disappointments , evidences, slap on the face, stab to my heart, can I take to tell me to forget her and to move on. My wife really is gone. 

Just spilled my feeeling

Dam blog!! Just spilled my thoughts and it didn't register. Guess the web don't want my feeling to register. Damm it!!1

I'm still suffering.

I'm still orbiting my miserable life. I thought by asking for a divorce, I will be able end my love feeling toward her. Instead, it prolong it. I'm still married on paper. Yet she is out dating and enjoying her life. She has moved on. I'm still on a standstill looking for sympathy and comfort. I realized I'm dependend to my wife of 24yrs. I can't live without her emotionally. Somehow, I needed to cut the cord from her. By doing so, she may and will leave me. I'm afraid I cannot find a women that is as smart as her and lovable as her. I needed to squash this afraid feelings!! I know I can live on!!! I just don't know how to erase 24yrs of love and memories. She had. I haven't. I rally feel like killing myself to once and for all get rid of this tortourous feelings!! By doing so is selfish. But it will end my pains once and for all. I can't wait. I needed to get rid of this pains right now!!! I'm drowning in miseries!!! I'm just not happy!!!

Ending of my Love

I feel so scared at the moment. I asked my wife for a divorce last night. 1/11/2012 will be the first day of freedom for me. I joined EP to search for ways to repair my marriage and to gain my love back. What I have found are miseries, sad stories about neglects and loveless marriages. There are thousands out there similar to me. All they want is for their spouse to love them.
I thought I was loved. In reality, I was being used. She said she love me, yet her doings are emotionally killing me. Is that love? If it is, I rather not be loved by her. I know I'm not perfect. I can change and adapt. To brand me as useless, un-teachable, not business minded is truly driving a dagger through my heart. 24 years of marriage. 24 year of placing her as my queen all come to an end last night. I finally had enough of the humilations of my manhood. I finally man up my courage and told her I had enough! I can't bear the humilations,demeaning of my manhood anymore. I asked her to stop stabbing me with the dagger of love. My heart is no longer a whole. It's in shreaded pieces.
I utter those four words that I thought I will never say "I wanted a Divorce". As of this moment, I can't believe I said those words to her. She think I'm bluffing. Am I? I still love my wife. I still love my family. I don't want it to disappear.  I'm scared of losing everything. I'm afraid of not being loved and living alone for the rest of my life. My wife and kids are always there for me in the past. Now no more!!  Is this a bluff just to get her attentions? Have I gone too far and drove her away? So much unknowns to think about. I'm so frighten by what I have done. Did I do the right thing? Will she respect me for my actions? Will my kids forgive me for tearing the family apart?
I'm all over the place. I don't know what to do at the moment. I have the divorce papers and needed to fill it up. Will she sign it? Am I playing chicken to see who blink first? God, Buhda, Alah, and whom ever this universe have, please guide me!! Give me a sign that I did the right thing. I wanted to be me again! I wanted to love and be loved again.. 

1-15 of 15 Blogs   

Previous Posts
It's a New Year.., posted January 1st, 2013
Not Afraid, posted November 22nd, 2012
My so call affair.., posted September 3rd, 2012
I have come to the end, posted August 16th, 2012
I am slowly letting go..., posted July 20th, 2012
Final Divorce declaration?, posted May 31st, 2012
Dying flame, posted May 28th, 2012
Repeating repeating repeating..., posted May 17th, 2012, 1 comment
My courage arebuiding up, posted April 24th, 2012
I wanted to move on. But I'm afraid., posted April 20th, 2012
Am I slowly evolving?, posted April 10th, 2012
Feeling Empty, posted March 1st, 2012
Just spilled my feeeling, posted February 15th, 2012
I'm still suffering., posted February 12th, 2012
Ending of my Love, posted January 12th, 2012

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